An Average Day in the Life for the Cullens
by jAsMiNeLoVeStWiLiGhT
Summary: Alice and Jasper fight about his butt. Nessie walks in on Edward and Bella. ON A STICKKK. if you've heard jeff dunham, u might like this. Emmett and Rose have peach fights. Sorry about not clarifying. In ch.10, his job is on a sex line. sowwieees
1. Fighting

APOV

Jasper and I were arguing…again. He accused me of looking at a guy's butt when we were at Wally World. As if I would ever have to do that when I had his to look at...

"Alice! You were! Don't lie to me!" he was screaming in his perfect voice. He really was not as pretty when he was mad.

"I wasn't." I practically sobbed.

"Yeah. Sure. Why haven't you been putting out as much here lately?" he asked, as if he had a right to ask.

"I have been tired. You have been a total jerk. Esme and Carlisle have been staying the night with us. Im sure they don't want to hear us. Because as we both know, the two of us are very loud." I said in a confident voice.

"I'm so disappointed in you, Alice." He scowled.

"Yeah. If I could cry, I would. Chill. You know I wouldn't disrespect you like that."

"Ok, Alice. I believe you. Only because Edward hooked up an earpiece for me and is telling me all of your thoughts. And thank you. I do have a nice butt, don't Ii?" he smirked.

Jasper's POV

She really thought I was mad. I thought it was quite funny, actually. She was so sexy when she was mad. I might have to knock down our house later. She said she was going to take Bella on yet another shopping trip today. That Bella really hates shopping. I know she would rather be at home destroying their cottage. She is so hormone-raged. I should stop thinking about her before Edward ripped me to shreds. Speaking of Eddy, Where were he and his hormone-raged wife?

Bella POV

Edward and I were kissing and wrestling when Nessie walked in. She was almost fully grown at age six and knew what we were up to.

"Daddy? Will you and mom stop 'wrestling' and go find Jacob for me?" she pleaded with her eyes.

"Sure, honey," we both said at the same time.

We jogged to Jacobs house, where he was nowhere to be found. We then ran to the beach to try to find him. He was with Quill and Claire, playing with rocks.

Quill was very odd. He had imprinted on Claire, even though she was still a toddler.

"Qwill!" she shrieked.

"Yes, Claire-Bear?" he inquired thoughtfully, as if he was talking to a grown person/werewolf/vampire, not as if he were speaking with a baby.

"I want a piggy back ride."

"Ok. Bye Jake. Oh! Hi Edward. Bella." He said quickly.

"Bye," we all said at the same time.

"So Jake, What have you been doing? It's funny you ask, we have been listening to your Nessie shriek at us all day because she could not find you. Where have you been?" I implored, almost angry.

"Sorry, Bells, I've just been roaming around."

"Well next time, take Reneseme with you." I demanded, not as if he minded it. He was truly in love with the girl. I was happy for him, too.

i


	2. Well, I'm not easy

Alice's POV

Jasper still brought up our fight anytime we went to Wal Mart, or I spoke about about his butt. I hoped to god that Edward wasn't anywhere around. I didn't want to scar him with my thoughts of Jasper's butt. Scaring the crap out of me, Edward jumped out in front of me.

"Boo! Hi, little sister." He smirked at me confidently.

"I hate you..." I narrowed my eyes.

"No you don't," He said happily.

"Shut up.."

"You don't want me to,"He smirked.

"Ugh. I give up. Will you try to talk some sense into Jasper?" I begged.

"Nope. I came here to get you." With that, he picked me up and carried me back to Mom's house.

I screamed and pounded his back, but he wouldn't put me down. "Edward! If you don't put me down right now-"

"Suck it. We're almost there." Edward chuckled. "LOL JK, Alice."

"Oh. You wish."

"You know it. Now, talk to your hubby," He said, mocking me.

He put me down next to Jasper and looked at me questioningly.

"I love you, Babe." Jasper whispered.

I giggled and kissed him passionately. Edward pretended to vomit and ran away, probably to find Bells. "Do you not love me? If you don't, I will just go hang myself with a coat hanger." Jasper feigned sadness and hung his head.

"Awww. I love you, Boo. You really are a cliff hanger though. Will you ever come out of your emo phase? It's been dead and gone for years." I whispered.

"I dont know..."

"Well..let's go back to the house, and I'll see if I can help you with that." I whispered seductively.

"Really?" He got..well..I could feel him pressed up against me.

"Nope," I giggled.

"You're so difficult,"Jasper half-heartedly chuckled, clearly sad.

"Well..I'm not easy."


	3. POT?

Jasper's POV

I was sitting, knitting a new sweater for Rose. Eating cherries and trying to be calm. That was my Friday ritual. Jacob knocked on my door. "Jasper! I need to use your pot!" I opened the door.

"Well...My lighter just ran out of fluid. My bong just got dropped yesterday by Rose. Do you have a Dr. Pepper can? I could-" He cut me off.

"I meant your toilet, you pothead." He ran to the 'pot'. When he got out, he stared me down. "You smoke?" He asked quizzically.

"Do you know how hard it is-"

"Haha you said hard."

"Shut up! It is very...difficult... to feel the way people do around you."

"I see..." The dog said. I growled at him.

Edward burst into the room."Did I hear someone say pot? 'Cause I have a HUGE stash in my Volv- Oh....Hi, Jacob." His expression turned grim. We all knew how he hated Jacob. Ever since he kissed Bells....


	4. Stick?

A/N: OK. To all of you dumb butts that havent seen/head of Jeff Dunham, He is a comical genius. I watched his DVD last night and took notes. His characters in that skit: Walter, Peanut, José Jalapeño on a Stick, Melvin the Superhero Guy, and Achmed the dead suicide bomber. Pictures of them all are on my profile. Review please!

Jasper's POV

We had just finished watching 'Jeff Dunham: A Spark of Insanity'. Emmett was going crazy. Every time we said something, he referred it back to the DVD.

"Shut up, Emmett!" I screamed.

"Silence! I kill you for a Kondike bar!" He replied.

"Yeah, Bella. I'd give you my 20, but it's in my other skirt," Rose walked into the room, talking on the phone with Bella apparently.

"It's in my other stick!!" Emmett yelled.

"Would you like me to find it for you?" Rose had just gotten off the phone. She wagged her eyebrows suggestively.

"I know you would like to see my stick. OMG. You're like my blond on a pencil!!" He had a very shallow epiphany. "We're SPARKELEHHH LIKE JEFF DUNHAM'S BLUE PRIUS." He spoke in a very gay tone. I couldn't help but laugh. I never thought of that. "You know I have unneeded letters in my name? Em-em-et-tee...Cul-el-en." He laughed really loudly. He looked at Rose. She wasn't laughing. "That went wayy over your head. Babe. Like neeeee-oow!" He made a sweeping gesture over his head.

"I will kill you...for a Kondike bar," She added. "That ' neeeee-oow!' sounded like you were killing Jeff Dunham's Chihuahua."

"Hey, Rose?" He asked.

"Hmm?" She seemed kind of disinterested.

"Do you think you could ever date a human?"

"Hell no!!" She screeched.

"Well..You know what they say. Once you go pale, you never go back." He said smugly.


	5. Guitar Hero: World Tour

**Jasper's POV**

Emmett and I were playing Guitar Hero: World Tour. He had just started playing it and just now began to play it on medium. We were doing "What I've Done." He was hitting all of the beats, just not the right colors.

"I don't understand this!" He screamed like a girl.

"So you can play all types of a guitar except a _child's plastic one_?" I taunted him, hoping he wouldn't kill me.

"_Shut up_ so I can focus." He yelled.

**Edward's POV**

Bella and I were upstairs; I heard Emmett and Jasper fighting. (Not surprising, right?) Bella was on top of me; we were kissing. (Very hot, too.) I heard Emmett yell at Jasper.

"Hey, babe?" I asked Bella.

"Hmm?" She was really into kissing me.

"I think I have to--" She kissed down a little further. Dammit.

She spoke between kisses. "You—Have—To—What?"

"Never mind." I didn't care. This was just too good.

**Jasper's POV**

I knew Ed-wad heard us. He was probably kissing that...well...wife of his. I got hurt the last time I called her hot. My dry spell lasted three months because of that one. Alice still doesn't approve of me saying it. Edward literally almost killed me. I snapped out of my thoughts when Emmett started screaming again. "Dammit! I almost had that one!"

"Which song?"

"Livin' on a Fuckin' Prayer." I started singing it off key in his ear while he played. "If you don't fuckin' shut up..."

"What will you do? Just lose again? Yeah."


	6. Tourettes

**Emmett's POV**

None of my family knew this. I had a big secret. No one in the world knew it. I...I had...Tourettes. It wasn't my fault that I burst out in cuss words. I -bitch- just wanted to be normal.

"Hey Edward -whore-."

"What did you call me?" He boomed at me.

"I..I have a secret -cunt-."

"You have a secret cunt?"

"No. I have a secret -BITCH-."

"You have a secret cunt AND bitch?"

"No! I have a secret to tell you."

"Oh. OK. Tell me." He demanded.

"I...have...Tourettes," I confessed.

"No you don't. You just have sudden outbursts that you can't contr- Oh My God, Emmett! You have tourettes! I'm telling! I'm telling Rose that you didn't tell her about something horrible!" He ran off to find Rose before I could stop him. I followed him quietly. He was whispering into MY Rose's ear. The ear...my favorite ear. The one _I_ like nibbling on. Edward quickly jumped back from her.

**Rose's POV**

"Emmett?" I asked sadly. "Do you have something to tell me?"

"Yeah..." He looked like a sad puppy.

"What is it?"

"I..am.. (Insert long, awkward pause here)..Hannah Montana." He went to his room and brought out a platinum blond wig, boots, and a guitar. How did he get all that crap? I wondered what he did in his spare time when he wasn't chewing my ear off. Edward just shook his head.

Emmett got a stool out and sang off key and played guitar for around four hours. He sounded and looked better than Miley.

After around three days of him playing for us, I interrupted the little concert. "You guys...Weren't we talking about Emmett's Tourettes? He needs medicine."

"Oh..Ok." Emmett hung his head.

I went and got dad to get some Tourettes meds for Emmett. We went around a week without his outbursts until...

"Hey Rose? I wanna FUCK you," Emmett said randomly.

"I _thought _we got you meds!"

"Rose...It _wasn't_ the tourettes." He wagged his eyebrows seductively.


	7. Peaches

**Edward's POV**

We were all spending the night with mom and dad. I was lying in bed with Bella, not really sleeping muhaha, when I heard Emmett humming. So I got out of my bed. He was thinking about something weird. He was standing by the sink thinking, "This yummy, familiar liquid is on my hands, face, chin, and neck. It's oober sticky, and I can't get it off of me. Oh well. That midnight snack was worth it. Rose hates it when I'm messy. I'll probably get in trouble. . . ." What kind of sick mind thought of girls as midnight snacks?!? I jumped when Rose popped out of their door wearing a bib. I was thinking, "Are they role playing now?"

"You ready to come back to bed, Emmett?" Rose said seductively. They then disappeared into their room. I was scarred for life. I went back to the bed, expertly avoiding Bella's questions by. . . distracting her.

**Emmett's POV**

When I got back to the room, Rose had all of the peaches on a platter for me. We were playing dodge ball with peaches. Whoever got the most hits on the other person won and got the bear that was in the cage in the corner of the room. The _loser _had to wear a bear suit for a day. It wasn't a normal bear suit though. It was a bear in a bikini. She yelled go, and I chucked a peach at her.

"Haha! You can't get me with your puny girl strength and reflex--" _Splat. "_Hey! That wasn't fair! I wasn't ready!" I got hit with around twenty peaches then. It hurt; I fell dramatically on the floor.

"Muhaha! You lose!" Rose taunted. I heard her soft footsteps go towards the corner of the room. Growling and the tearing of flesh followed that. When I saw her again, she had the bear suit in her hands.

**A/N: Sorry it's so short. I'm low on time and creativity today. Please review and tell me what you think! Pweez? :)) **


	8. Proposition

OK. I have a new proposition. For anyone who reviews at least two times on a story, I am going to start making a chapter dedicated to them. This 'proposition' was inspired by: Stargirl100. She thanked me. I got mentioned in someone else's story! Be proud of me.


	9. THANKS

June 28, 2009

OK. Really, I love everyone who reviewed. The people who reviewed most or helped most are:

What-about-Jacob (4)

CatherineTwilighter (3)

MiniBellaSwan (4)

readingforever (2)

manny97to09 (2)

If I make ANY mistakes about your username or how many reviews you posted, feel free to REVIEW and tell me.


	10. New Job

**Jasper's POV**

Alice insisted that I get a job to take my mind off of my depression. She was having problems finding me a job, so Emmett took the liberty of finding one for me.

It was my first day; Alice took the chance to go shopping and got me a new black, pinstripe suit.

When I got to the shady-looking building, the (sexy) receptionist gave me a phone and my very own cubical. I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing.

-ringgg-

I nearly jumped out of my skin.

"Hello?" I questioned, not too sure of why I was here.

"Hi," A seductive voice replied.

"How may I help you?" I strained to sound professional.

"I was just looking for a good time," She laughed softly.

"And how exactly am I supposed to help you with that?" WHAT KIND OF JOB DID _EMMETT_ FIND ME??!!??

"If you were here with me right now, what would we do?" She purred, obviously trying to be seductive. I humored her for around an hour, until I started to get aroused and rather annoyed. Finally, I had had enough.

"I ALREADY TOLD YOU WHAT I WAS WEARING!" I screamed and hung up the phone.

**A/N: To some people out there who, instead of laughing, sat with their arms folded, DON'T READ STUFF LIKE MY STORIES. I hate it when people read stuff just to tell me that I need to find something else to write about. I do love the people who review though. Teehee.**


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